Food quotes, jokes, and puns

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

I personally stay away from natural foods; at my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, “I would like to know two things.”   “First, why did you revolt?”   “Second, how did you get out of your cell?”   One of the three men stepped forward, “Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful.”  “I see.   And just what did you use to break the cell bars?,” the warden asked.   Replied the spokesman for the prisoners, “The meat loaf.”

“I’m a man.  Men cook outside. Women make the three-bean salad. That’s the way it is and always has been, since the first settlers of Levittown. That outdoor grilling is a manly pursuit has long been beyond question. If this wasn’t firmly understood, you’d never get grown men to put on those aprons with pictures of dancing wienies and things on the front…” William Geist, ‘New York Times Magazine’

Q: How can you tell that a blonde’s been baking chocolate chip cookies?
A: There’s M&M shells all over the floor.

My wife uses a kitchen implement to shred garlic and Parmesan cheese, which I hate. It really is the grater of two evils.

“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” Doug Larson


“I’ve long said that if I were about to be executed and were given a choice of my last meal, it would be bacon and eggs. There are few sights that appeal to me more than the streaks of lean and fat in a good side of bacon, or the lovely round of pinkish meat framed in delicate white fat that is Canadian bacon. Nothing is quite as intoxicating as the smell of bacon frying in the morning, save perhaps the smell of coffee brewing.” James Beard


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